What Covid-19 Has Taught Us About Consent
Over the past few months, we've all had to develop new intuitions, language, and skills that have kept us safe. If we apply them to the practice of consent, we might be able to eliminate rape culture.
Hey everyone!
I’m feeling super grateful today - grateful for the work I get to do, the people in my life who support me, and the combination of those two things that I realize I’ll always be able to lean on during challenging and weird times. This piece has been brewing in my mind for months now but only came to fruition thanks to a conversation I had with my friend, Michaela, who is featured below and doing amazing work.
Writing this truly felt like self-care, and I’m so excited to share it with you today :) As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts & feedback. Sending love.
xx
Val
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What Covid-19 Has Taught Us
We’ve all heard the phrase “the new normal” used to describe the lifestyle changes since the outbreak of the global Covid-19 pandemic. Masks in public, limited indoor gatherings, school and business closures, the list goes on. Now while the impending second wave means we’ve still got a long road ahead, the pandemic will eventually end. Pfizer and other drug companies will release a vaccine, new cases will drop as immunity numbers rise, and soon we’ll be looking back on this time as only a memory woven into the fabric of our collective past.
But what will happen to “the new normal?” Was it all just temporary? Strictly for the purposes of containing the spread of the virus? Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to not have to deal with my glasses fogging up from my mask while I try to grocery shop, too. But what about some of the other norms built, lessons learned, and transformations underwent both individually and collectively during this period that served us? Is there anything worth holding onto or are we willing to let it all completely vanish along with Dr. Fauci’s name in the headlines?
Before you jump to answer that question, I implore you to reflect on the ways you may have changed during this time—your own “new normal.” Personally, I saw myself develop a more intuitive care both for loved ones and strangers. I watched my friends and I make more deliberate efforts to stay connected and in-sync with each others’ physical and emotional wellbeings. I adopted new phrases like, “What has this time been like for you?” and “How are you feeling about your current quarantine situation?” that helped me get more detailed answers than just a regular, “How are you?” as a means of checking-in.
For me, these are changes that, when the world starts to resemble its pre-Covid self, I’ll be holding onto for dear life.
So, What’s Consent Got To Do With This?
Great question. For many people, when they hear the word “consent” (in the context of sex) they think, “permission to touch.” That might or might not be you—I realllyyy hope it’s not you—because only an infantile brain should need to relegate the idea of consent into a simple binary for comprehension purposes.
Side note: if you know anyone who might have a hard time thinking beyond this, do us all a favor and 1) stick a warning label on their back before letting them out in public and 2) send them to one of these Instagram accounts to do some reading for mind expansion purposes: @comprehensiveconsent, @makelovebycusp, @sexpositive_families.
Because the reality is that consent is a practice, and the actions consistent with giving (and not giving) and receiving (and not receiving) consent extend faaar beyond one simple question and answer. Think about it like this: doing nothing else besides asking for permission and receiving an answer would be like asking someone “How are you?” in the middle of a global pandemic and then being satisfied if they answer you with, “Good”… See where this is going now?
Covid-19 was unprecedented in the way it forced us to think about and care for each other. It gave each of us a responsibility to “do our part” in many different ways or risk putting others in harm’s way. Consent can be thought about in similar terms.
“Doing our part” to ensure consent—like preventing the spread of Covid-19—requires a level of care that begins way before you even come into contact with another person and ends after you’ve parted ways. It requires both intentional, individual effort and honest, shared communication. And finally, the potential to inflict harm means the stakes are high, but, if all goes well, the magical effect of feeling closely connected to another can be what saves a body, mind, and soul.
In the following section, I lay out some more of the valuable intuition, language, and skills I gained or saw others gain over the past few months. My goal is to call out these practices, and demonstrate how we can put them to use when we’re teaching, learning and practicing consent. If adopted en masse, I believe these tools have the potential to eliminate our society’s rape culture entirely and therefore might be stuff worth holding on to.
The Intuition, Language and Skills
Each one is described and subsequently broken down into “During Covid” and “Regarding Consent.”
The conscious effort to protect oneself and others from harm as default
During Covid-19: Probably most prominent, this intuition was exercised a lot over the past few months as we all navigated our day-to-day lives in the “new normal.” It guided many of our actions both in public and private spaces from mask-wearing to perhaps drinking a bit more orange juice than normal as a boost to the immune system. Now, you might be thinking, “Well it’s not like before the pandemic we all went out intending to harm.” And to that, I remind you not to be the infant brain.
Regarding Consent: Believe it or not, many perpetrators of sexual assault don’t leave the house intending to harm either. In fact, studies show that a vast majority of rape victims know their perpetrators personally. Sexual assault can happen on dates, at parties, between classmates, neighbors, and even friends. Therefore, it’s not about the mere absence of intent to harm but rather the presence of conscious intent not to. As you’ll see in the following examples, harboring this intuition and allowing it to continue motivating the development of certain habits and ways of communicating with sexual partners is our path forward. Its value to us as a collective society cannot be overstated.
Sharing your boundaries and asking about someone else’s
During Covid-19: Some of the language we’ve used and heard in recent months includes, “Can we do something outdoors?”, “I’m not comfortable with indoor dining right now”, “Would it be okay if I took off my mask?”, “How would you feel if my friend came along too?”, “I’d like to keep it under 10 people,” and much more.
Regarding Consent: Ways we can adapt this language for consent include, “Can we do something in a public space?”, “I’m not comfortable with how you’re holding my hand,” “Would it be okay if I took off my shirt?”, “How would you feel if I gave you a massage right now?”, “I’d like to keep my pants on,” and much more. We should be continuing to grow and expand our sexual lexicon.
* The conversation with my friend Michaela inspired us both to create content around the idea of consent and personal-boundary-sharing during Covid-19. Check out these amazing Instagram graphics she made for some more examples of language we can use to keep ourselves and each other safe:
Accepting boundaries regardless of reasons
During Covid-19: When someone articulates their comfort level or sets a boundary like the ones included above, it is accepted without hesitation, interrogation, or justification. You wouldn’t ask “Oh why, are you immunocompromised or something?” or say “Oh c’mon, indoor dining is no big deal” because the ginormous risk posed by the global pandemic alone justifies our boundaries regardless of any further reason.
Regarding Consent: Unfortunately, we live in a f*cked up sexual culture. Did you know that more than 1 in 3 women and nearly 1 in 4 men experience sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetime? Like Covid-19, we’re the ones who let it get this bad, so it’s on us to make it better—and for both instances, that starts with universal acceptance of boundaries regardless of reason. No one should ever feel pressure to do something they don’t want to do, nor should they have to justify why they don’t want to do it. Accepting each others’ boundaries is the first, most necessary step in making everyone feel comfortable, happy, and safe. Beyond that, we must continue to expand our language and communication skills so that we can have more thorough and nuanced conversations that will ultimately resolve a lot of our societal issues. The kink community are experts at boundary setting conversations. If you’re interested in learning more, check out this NPR segment “Demystifying Kink” ft. one of my favorite researchers & psychologists, Dr. Justin Lehmiller.
Sharing important and relevant information about our past (previous exposure, testing, etc.)
During Covid-19: In order to protect ourselves and others from exposure, we’ve become accustomed to sharing as much important, relevant information about our whereabouts with each other as possible. If we’ve tested negative recently, we are likely to share those results with people we saw already or might see in the near future. If we were to test positive—or even if someone in our circle (a roommate, friend, colleague, etc.) tested positive—we would know it was our responsibility to tell everyone we’d seen since our own potential exposure. We are sharing this information because the global pandemic has bestowed upon us a collective duty of care to keep, not just ourselves, but each other safe. With this relevant information, we can gauge our comfort levels and properly set our boundaries—like, for example, how my mom decided she’ll only have my cousins over for Thanksgiving dinner if they test negative and quarantine the week leading up.
Regarding Consent: Sharing important and relevant information can help someone set boundaries they’re comfortable with not just during a pandemic but in other social situations as well—like sexual ones. For the most part, outside of more sex-positive communities, it still seems pretty rare that information about likes and dislikes, experiences with fetishes or kinks, STD test history, and/or current partners is shared between individuals before they have a sexual experience—especially if they’re strangers or first-time partners. (If you have a story about really awesome communication with a first-time partner and you wouldn’t mind sharing, reply to this email—I’d love to hear it!). But I think the Covid-19 pandemic has forced us into sharing and asking about information, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. This is a skill we should hold onto.
Getting tested regularly
During Covid-19: Many people are getting tested for Covid-19 on a regular basis as a precautionary measure—even if they’ve set strict boundaries and don’t have symptoms.
Regarding Consent: Everyone getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) on a more regular basis would be great for our society’s sexual culture. STIs are very common and yet still highly stigmatized. But combatting that stigma with more frequent testing and open communication with partners would help people make more informed decisions about their boundaries and therefore keep people safer and healthier.
Wearing protection is the default
During Covid-19: You all know the classic, “Mask, wallet, phone, keys.” Everyone wears protection until agreed upon otherwise (no matter how uncomfortable they are or how foggy your glasses get).
Regarding Consent: Everyone’s priority should be to properly protect themselves and others from pregnancy and STIs (no matter how much better the sex is without a condom, for example).
Looking Ahead with Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo
Michaela is the Founder of CUSP: Cultivating Upstanders for Sexual assault Prevention, an inclusive education platform that works to empower individuals with the information and tools necessary to eradicate rape culture and replace it with effective communication habits, mental health informed resilience building, and respect and love. Our conversation was what inspired me to finally write this piece, and what she says on the topic leaves me feeling inspired and hopeful for the future…
You’ve done a lot of work around consent, boundary sharing, and fighting against rape culture. What do you think is the most important lesson that people need to learn in order to have safer sexual experiences?
Healthy relationships and safe intimacy rely on our ability to communicate our preferences and assert our boundaries. We have the innate right to control what happens to our bodies, whether that’s regarding a virus or another body, and this pandemic provides the opportunity for us to practice declaring our personal boundaries.
Regarding the topic of consent and Covid-19, what do you hope people remember about this time?
COVID-19 is teaching all of us about informed consent. We all practice the conversations to give and receive informed consent when we share and ask about social distancing habits, risk factors, and if you would feel comfortable if I hug you or remove my mask.
I hope people come out of this pandemic with the ability to apply our current covid practices/ newly developed skills of sharing personal information and preferences and knowing how to ask the same without pressuring our partners, from virus chats to conversations surrounding intimacy.
What skills have you personally gained during the “new normal” that you think will serve you once it ends?
I’ve always been about consent, open communication, and verbalizing preferences, but I have personally struggled with boundary-setting, so affirming what I am or am not comfortable with during the pandemic has been a challenge and a tremendous opportunity. While I used to feel selfish asserting my personal limits because I feared my preferences might inconvenience others, I now can confidently affirm my social distancing boundaries because I know that they are not just self-serving but are in service to my wider community. The communication skills that result from growing confidence in my convictions and individual decision making will serve me for the rest of my life, pandemic or not, in my career and interpersonal relationships.
Thanks for Reading & Share Your Thoughts!
I suspect some of you out there have reflected on this topic before and have thoughts you might want to share - we’d love to hear them! What lessons has Covid-19 taught you about boundaries, communication, and consent? I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Stay safe, friends <3
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