Dirty Quarantini (Part 2): A Resource Guide for Couples during COVID-19
Plus what it was like to go on a blind date... over Zoom.
Hello and welcome back to Sextech with Val!
Real quick: I’m SUPER excited that this Saturday (5/2), I will be speaking at the Women of Sextech Virtual Conference of 2020. Annie, the Founder of Lips, and I will be giving a talk titled, “Designing A Better Internet For Women And The LGBTQIA+ Community” and we could not be more honored and excited. If this sounds interesting to you, register online here. (It’s FREE).
Anyways, back to this newsletter…
In case you missed it, Dirty Quarantini (Part 1) was a very comprehensive guide to navigating sex and dating as a single person in quarantine. I covered my fave dating apps, new blind dating experiments, and advice for using this time to do some solo self-discovery *wink wink*. This is Dirty Quarantini Part 2: A Resource Guide for Couples during COVID-19, where I’ll be recommending cool resources quarantined couples can use to get to know themselves and each other a bit better…
I’ll also be sharing the juicy details about how my first blind Zoom date went. So, buckle up folks cuz this newsletter is about to knock your socks off (perhaps literally ;P). Let me throw that subscribe button in here for a hot sec in case you haven’t already…
Thanks friends <3 and let the games begin…
One quick disclaimer: I just have to point out that even though it’s meant as a punny joke, my title “Dirty Quarantini” plays into the idea that sex, or anything having to do with sex, is soiled, grimy, filthy, disgusting, etc etc. I actually hate this association for two reasons: 1) it perpetuates shame and guilt around a completely normal and healthy aspect of our lives and 2) historically, the idea that sex is something so obscene has been used by the state and/or our religious institutions to justify supporting policies that intend to “protect us” from it, such as limited sex education, anti-sodomy laws, and controls over the female body. So, I hope you’ll attempt to do some of that mental disentangling within yourselves and see my work and writing as a helpful resource for you in that journey (despite the silly title).
xx
Val
A Resource Guide for Couples during COVID-19
Ok, Zoomers…
Photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash
1. Content
Read, ‘What She Means When She Says “Don’t Stop”,’ by Emma Austin on Medium to better understand your body—or your partner’s body—as it approaches orgasm. This is a great read for everyone. TLDR;
Unbound has crowdsourced an endless Google Sheet of awesome suggestions for things to read, cook, and do during quarantine. Love them for that.
Watch simultaneously sexy AND educational videos on Sex School Hub, made by a team of the truest experts on the matter there can ever be: sex workers themselves. Another similar resource to check out is OMGyes.
Listen to erotic stories on the Dipsea app and maybe even try acting one out! My friend tried this with her boyfriend and agreed to share her thoughts on the experience below:
"In a way, it's a stepping stone to roleplay - it allows you to imagine a sexy scenario without having to make anything up. Less awkward dialogue so you can get straight to the good stuff… The app in our ears gave the experience an air of something new, and the audio itself is full of sexy breathlessness, which sets the mood almost instantly. It's not necessarily supposed to be a stand-in for roleplay though, and the timing was admittedly tricky. We ended up finishing the episode and continuing on ourselves, not interested in rushing anything to fit a ten minute episode, but still appreciative of the creative spark it gave us to run with.”
2. Games & Quizzes
Play Wheel of Foreplay! I joined the Future of Sex team in researching and connecting with a wide range of sexuality professionals whose tips & expertise are featured within the wheel. The final product is AWESOME, and if you do nothing else from this whole newsletter, check out this one out.
Jaiya offers information, resources, and coaching sessions along with a free quiz, The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough Quiz, which will help you “Discover Your Type and Claim Sexual Satisfaction.”
Similarly, the new Lover app starts users off with a quiz to help us get to know ourselves better and it’s super fun and very, VERY informative.
3. Experiences
If I was quarantined with a partner, the first thing I’d try is a relaxation technique known as “Orgasmic Meditation” or OM. This wellness practice combines mindfulness, touching, and pleasure in a simple exercise of “stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes with only one goal: let go and feel.” If that doesn’t sound like heaven, I don’t know what does.
If you enjoy that, consider taking sex & mindfulness to the next level with the incredible kink & intimacy coach extraordinaire and my friend, the Reverend Rucifer. She hosts interactive, educational, body and sex positive virtual events and partner workshops for all gender identifications, sexual orientations and lifestyles, including Kinky Tantra, Reiki healing, and Play Parties. Explore safely from the comfort of your own homes with experts to guide you.
Ready to use what you’ve learned to start creating your own content? Check out the social sex platform, Make Love Not Porn. There is truly no safer, more supportive space & community with which to share your #realworldsex.
And finally, if you’re looking for a more PG bonding experience, let me introduce you (or re-introduce you) to the New York Times’ 36 Questions That Lead to Love. During my semester abroad in Paris, my lover and I had so much fun getting to know each other by taking turns answering these questions over some wine, cheese, & the setting sun by the Seine.
4. Quarantined without your partner(s)?
Check out Them Magazine’s “Expert Tips for Video Sex with a Partner or an Audience.” You’ll thank me later ;P.
What: My blind virtual date
Where: Zoom (link exchanged the day prior)
When: 7:15pm
Who: We’ll call him A.
It’s 7:13pm and I’m in my pajamas helping my mom unload the dishwasher. My date with A is set to begin in only 2 minutes—plenty of time. All I have to do is walk upstairs, throw a dash of eyeliner on my waterline, and switch out my hoodie for a knitted sweater. Full disclosure, I didn’t even bother putting on a bra. If anything, I figured, A would probably enjoy knowing that… I wonder if I’ll tell him.
The clock strikes 7:15 and I am sitting at my desk ready to click open the Zoom link. I can’t say I wasn’t nervous. After all, Amanda and Chelsea from Catch Feelings Not Covid had read through our applications, gotten a sense of our personalities, lifestyles, dating preferences, and decided that we—A and I, specifically—might make a good match. This could be it. I click “Join.”
Suddenly, a new window pops up and I see A. He smiles, and I see his mouth move but hear nothing. Shit! My eyes frantically search the screen for—“Zoom is requesting permission to use your computer au”—I Accept! I Accept! Give it a second…
“Can you hear me alright?” I ask, staring intently at his face awaiting any sign of aural stimulation.
“Yep, I hear you great… Can you hear me?”
“Yes!” I say with a sigh of relief—the awkward but necessary starting point of any Zoom meeting made worse by the fact that this is, of course, a date.
The video quality is crystal clear. I kick myself for not applying any cover-up.
“Nice room,” he says. Being that I am spending this quarantine at my parent’s house on Long Island, A is referring to the pink polka-dotted curtains and flowered wallpaper of my childhood bedroom, which serve as my background… on this date. I can feel myself blush but my face is already pink just from the reflection of it all.
“My room’s a mess right now,” he admits, to which I attempt to respond with a joke; you know, one about how “It doesn’t matter! Who knows when the next time you’ll have someone over will be…” referring to quarantine. But by the look on his face, I think he thought, that I thought, that he had no game—like, with women. This is a date goddamnit, Val.
We somehow overcame this brief snafu and eventually entered normal date discussion territory: talking about our jobs, our upbringings, and places we want to travel to. We snowballed into a greater, philosophical exchange of views on the pursuit of passions, privilege, and the regulatory power of norms. One conversation from our call that really stuck out to me was on the idea of changing yourself to please others versus remaining true to yourself and making changes to your environment. We had differing thoughts on this.
However, overall our conversation was—at least to me—ideal for a first date. We both seemed engaged for the duration of the call (around 30 minutes). We asked each other follow-up questions out of genuine curiosity. And, at different moments, we each opened up sharing details from our personal lives that proved—despite our pixelated appearances—we were not actually robots.
But therein lied the problem. While Zoom’s superb video and audio quality—really, well done @Zoom—enable an effective alternative to the in-person human experience, no features, no matter your subscription level, are ever going to be able replace it. And this was made even more apparent by the fact that this was—one last time for the people in the back—a date.
A great date is saturated with subtleties. A teasing remark. Glances of desire. Lingering eye contact. Rhythmic banter. A wink. These moments incite the kind of stomach-dropping, heart-fluttering feelings that cause you to crave closeness with that person. They dictate whether or not you two have what is commonly called “chemistry.” And yet over Zoom, they are lost, muffled by lag, or perhaps never even performed to begin with.
There was nothing A or I could have done differently. I think even if we had arranged prior to try to set more of a romantic mood—dimmed lights, candles, wine—I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. The date just didn’t have that “spark.” Was it us or Zoom just being a cock-block? I’m not totally certain, to be honest, but I’m also not that motivated to find out.
There was a moment, while the call was winding down before we said our goodbyes, where I contemplated cracking one last joke about the kinds of clothing—or lack thereof—we could possibly be sporting on bottom.
But I chose to bite my tongue this time, saving myself from the awkward.
PS: For one last link, check out my “15 Unexpected, Amazing Facts About Viruses You Probably Didn’t Know.” I gained so much valuable and empowering insight from this research on viruses and the human immune system, I wanted to share. Hope you enjoy!